Holy Crap, Aaron Miller......!

(setting:) I was looking at all of the players listed on the Unrestricted Free Agent list and saw Aaron Miller's name. The first thing I did was chuckle remembering that at the Kings' 2008 Draft Party there were signed pucks for $5 and you could choose which ever you wanted. They had Craig Conroy, Aaron Miller and I think Brian Willsie. All I remember is that there were a large supply of unclaimed Aaron Miller pucks.* Past that I looked him up to see what he had been up to and according to Wikipedia, he is an alien or Sasquatch or something because he has never been photographed. Also, one of his career milestones is that he scored a goal on December 18, 2007 on Marty Brodeur in a game against the New Jersey Devils. Why is this a milestone? It was his first goal in four years. * Which brings me back to the statement:

Holy crap, Aaron Miller.....!

* Wa Wa Waaaaah

How about showing some initiative, Wikipedia. He does exhist.

Why is nothing going on in the NHL?

I don't care about the new Ice Crew, LaKings.com! Just sign Patrick O'Sullivan and stop changing the subject! Even the rumors section of Yahoo! Sports is getting so boring they are just putting NASCAR rumors lumped in with the rest of the news that is collecting dust. Dear God, whatever will become of this sport.*

*Dear God,
Kill Gary Bettman.
Thank You

[I swear the label is a typo. I just chose not to fix it.]

FSN says the Olympics suck

I was stupidly watching the Olympics in all their glory as they exploited Michael Phelps in the bottom corner of the screen*. It was only when I channel surfed did I realize that an actual sporting event was on. As I chased an NHL footnote at the bottom of ESPN that I had just missed, I accidentally flipped it forward to FSN-West. I saw a Kings game on.
*It's cool NBC, you don't have to remind me about Phelps, I won't change the channel

Here is where it gets good:
I thought to myself 'Hmmm...that's weird, I wonder which one it could be. It looks pretty recent, there is Blake and Lubo and Cammy.' Then it was about to go to a commercial when I noticed that it was in the end of the second period with a 4-0 loss waiting for them at the end of the third. Who was the visiting team you might ask? The Dallas Stars. Yes, sir it was! It was the Royal Rebound, right there in front of me. Phelps make history and win 8 gold medals in one Olympic series? Hell no! I'm watching the Kings get five goals in five minutes and seven seconds and beat Dallas in overtime with the game-winner comming from Kopi.

Thanks FSN-West, for reminding me how easily the Olympics can be topped by the NHL.*

*Suck on that, Phelps!

Where are they now? Part 1

Part one in this two part series, barely enough to be grammatically considered 'they', I had to bring up what had been poking at my mind like a bug flying close enough to rattle your eardrum; just people that stirred up the thought 'Hmm...I wonder what they are doing these days?' Plus, it makes being an ex-King sound like you were a rock star that had it all and gave it up for alcohol and coke. The man on center stage for this write-up is none other than the great Yutaka Fukufuji.

I like how he looks completely different with the mask on

Quick Review:

He was drafted by the Kings in 2004 (8th round, 238th overall), signed a two year (entry level) deal with them in 2005 and went to the ECHL's Reading Royals. He was the number two goalie in Manchester for a while and through the fluke in goalie luck that the Kings had, he was called up on December 15, 2006. Although he didn't play in that game, he dressed, and the Kings weren't all too impressed with the way that he did it, I guess, because he was sent back down. He finally got to play on January 13, 2007, starting out the third period against St. Louis and tallying a loss with a 6-5 score. He may have lost that, but he will forever be in the NHL books under obscure facts for being the first Japanese-born player to be on NHL ice. He later added to it when he became the first Japanese-born player to start in an NHL game on January 16, 2007 against Atlanta (lost 2-6). He was not offered a contract despite the attention he received and the savior he was thought to be* so it was back to the Bakersfield Condors.

*and to think, we made all those t-shirts...

Where is he now?

He is currently playing in Bakersfield for the Condors and is now another ex-King goalie that went to the Ducks' forces*. What I think is half funny and half terribly sad is his profile on the Bakersfield Condors' website. His favorite food is sushi and his favorite movie is The Last Samurai. How cliche is that? The terribly sad part is when they apparently asked him about where he sees himself in ten years and he replied 'a businessman.' When we have these average schmoe businessmen playing in net, that's a red flag of problems that we have.

*other ex-Kings goalie I am referring to: J.S. Aubin. I wonder what he's doing these days....?

I would have written something about his time on the Kings' roster, but he was in that weird grey zone that just didn't make me care all too much. He wasn't impressive enough to say that the Kings lost something great, but he wasn't enough of a failure to laugh about how he made it to the NHL. If there is any real Kings fan that cares enough (and lives in California) you can go ahead and root on the Kings' ECHL team, catch up with Fukufuji and check out the new rink were the Royal Reign is to play all at once on Wednesday, October 29, 2008 when the Condors play the Reign at the Citizens Business Bank Arena.

Good luck Fukufuji, wherever you may be in ten years, whether it be in the NHL or by the watercooler of some stock firm talking about your days as a Kings goalie.

We'll always have 2007, Mr. January

That one guy Ovechkin...

So The Hockey News had this small glorification about Alex O this week. Like most stories about him, it was just an excuse to boast about the amazing talents of one of the NHL's brightest burning stars. It was just a two page write up about what to expect out of his play and the players he is expected to play with; to put it into perspective, space was spent more on pictures than on actual words. As I read, I began to think of a reoccurring thought I have never been able to suppress for long: I am convinced that Alexander the Great is a cyborg.

I'll let you take a minute to stop laughing at me...

Ok, it really isn't that funny. I have proof...sort of.*

*About as much proof that Sasquatch exhists. Not laughing now, are you?

1. He's pure Soviet strength
His parents are both athletes from the Soviet Union, his mother being an Olympian. I figured that somewhere in between, a Soviet machine was born. Like those 12 year-old Korean gymnasts; thoroughbreds trained from birth, neigh, born to do this. It's a hunch....

Looks like Robocop to me....

2. He's got charm, he's got style...
This one is more of an anomaly, perhaps providing more truth to the Alex=Cyborg theory. He is always the nicest guy when he is being interviewed; cracks a couple of smiles, gives some good sound bites. Hell, during the Stanley Cup playoffs, he was joking around with the same person that called him a dog weeks prior. That last one is what worries me the most. He's Russian, aren't they forbidden to make jokes, or something? I'm guessing that it is just in his programming to act like that, try and be more humanly.*

*See Eddie Murphy's 'Meet Dave'

Pinstripes and polka dots? Really Ovechkin, your fashion sense is...out of this world.

3. Do we really have to mention the talent?
You don't fool me. Your puck movement, great eye and quick release are all products of a series of spring and wire reactions.

Bet he has a great wrist shot...

4. Location
What a "coincidence" that he decides to play in Washington, D.C. The United States Capital. I suppose you didn't think that one was too obvious, did ya'? Don't give me this "they chose me" malarkey; you had just set everything up perfectly. Your plan is going oh, so well, isn't is? Well when you start killing innocent fans, I'll be the last to laugh.

Here is the city, and...what's that? Why yes, yes, this is the nation's capital. Why are you laughing?

Next thing you know....

The person in the top left is crying, those aren't just dots.

Welcome to the Jumble

The entirety of this idea is the product of what the hockey off-season does to a person. It is a treacherous wait as is, but factoring in the idea of the team you root for every season not making it to the playoffs (La Kings), it is about a third of a year spent waiting to see them play again. Meanwhile, hours are filled searching for any news whatsoever about that team's status. Hence, this was born. I decided to first look at all of the shifts in the team and the jumble* of activity as well as the nerve-pulling inactivity that made this off-season a whirlpool of emotions. I'll try to go as organized as possible.

*You see the tie in? It's a play on words...get it?

1. The Draft
This was a very exciting time. The feeling at the Kings' Draft Party was amazing. There was electricity in the air and I could smell the high hopes* that everyone had for the season to come. It was also a good chance to see the Nokia Theater, the second schedule that fans attending games would have to keep an eye out for, along with the USC schedule; these two are going to make traffic in L.A. a living nightmare...even more of a living nightmare. Though I digress, the most important events that occurred at the 2008 NHL draft:

* Also note the free food and how it opened up money to spend on beer.

1. The Trade of Michael Cammalleri.
Most were shocked about this one, some were sad, and very few strongly opposed it. With the way that the Kings marketed Cammy as being in the top 4 most exploited players, it was a little weird to see him go. I was pretty glad about it; his play was like a match: burned intensely for the first couple of milliseconds (or ten games) and then just sort of fizzled out. The only positive thing that comes to mind with the mention of Cammy's name is remembering that if it weren't for his being injured, we wouldn't have really been able to see the full extent of Patty O. Plus, I just don't like his face, his skin seems so stretched tight that it impairs his ability to speak correctly.

That just looks painful...and, my god, is Lubo Polly Pocket
or something? His head fits in Fro's hand.

2. Drew Doughty
I don't think anyone had any 'dought's that we would choose him over Bogosian. I think it was a good idea to boot. Not simply based on talent, because from what it sounds like, Doughty is the obvious choice in that region; judging on character as well, I think that Doughty, or Donut as his friends like to call him*, has the more well-rounded character (no pun intended, but I'll take it). He actually wanted to be here and let's face it, even if he was crap on a stick, we don't really have anyone that is really yearning to be here. Plus, I like that he wasn't like 70% of the other prospects that said their favorite book was Harry Potter; it shows that he has read sometime between 7th grade and now.

*With a name like Donut, you have to have personality. Though I kind of thinks that people are just teasing him about his weight again. I imagine that if he were a donut, he would be one of those cake ones with the colorful frosting and sprinkles- delicious to the eye and exciting to the mind.

3. Colten Teubert
I personally think that he is a d-man with more talk than his 6'4'', 185 lb. frame can hold. "I consider myself a punishing defenseman. I'm the guy that you put out against your top players and tell me to shut them down."* I don't doubt him, I guess. It's just something that I'd like to see, and now I have expectations. What I do like about him is that his profile makes him sound like a good ol' human being. He likes Halo 2, songs other than what is played in his arena and in his spare time plays football with his friends. Likes to throw the ol' pigskin around...

*Really, rookie? Go get Getzlaf, sick 'em. Yea, that's what I thought.

4. Dan Clout-
I can't even finish the name without getting chill of anger coursing through me. Anyways, let's keep this part short. I don't like this topic. He was going to be bought out, we all knew it would happen, he won't just get out of our lives, says he is not fit to be put on waivers, yadda yadda yadda, Dan must die.

Nice one, shit stain.

5. Brad Richardson
Colorado got our second pick that we had in the second round*, we got their Richardson. I don't really care for/about the guy for 2 reasons: first, I don't like that he is from Colorado. Ever since Ryan Smyth stabbed Babs and left us pulling random places for a goalie, the name 'Colorado' has the same effect as Dan Clo-. Second, I don't like that most of the pictures that come up on Google are of him golfing, sticking, falling, standing in the locker room or pretty much doing anything to do with not playing hockey right.

*I just didn't like the sound of 'second second round pick' it's like saying 'Tootoo too' instead of 'Tootoo also'

2. Dean Lombardi is hard at work....doing something

1. Jarrett Stoll/Matt Greene
I don't like either of these two because they are a reminder of why Lubo is no longer with us. If loving Lubo means losing, I don't want to win!*

*Blatant lie.

2. Denis Gauthier
I am not hugely familiar with the players we have traded, but I would be really excited to see him be a top d-man, if just to read the 'Denis the Menace' headlines. I do enjoy a good play on words/ pun. In short, this guy is a big guy, to add to the other big guys on the team.

3. Richard Clune
I don't like that to get this guy, we had to give up Lauri Tukonen. I was really excited to see what he could do when he wasn't benched by a laundry list of injuries. Plus, Lauri Tukonen is the closest thing that we are going to get to a name as hockey-sounding as a Saku Koivu or other equal. How fun is that? Tu-konen.

4. Crow is crossed out
We were all hoping, but never imagining that bad ol' Marky Marc Crawford would get the boot. He deserved it. The only thing that I regret is this not being done sooner because it left us scraping the walls of management to find a replacement.

5. Lubo!
Deano, why-o Lubo? I voted for him! I voted for him....

3. Lombardi is forgetting to do shit

1. Rob Blake
Now I know that it's easy to boo and hiss at the greedy and money-driven actions of Rob Blake, but there is at least two sides to every story: what really happened and what they tell us (us being the people uninvolved). What the situation most looks like is that D.L. offered Blake $4 million to stay in L.A. and instead, Blake went to San Jose where he was offered $5 million. What is apparently what happened is that Blake just wanted to get the contract signed and done, but Dean kept on delaying it. While Blake had the options of signing, or not knowing if he was going to have a job next season, he went with the more secure answer. Nonetheless, Blake is sure to get a heaping helping of boo's on opening night and for the rest of the season.

2. Kopi
He isn't signed to a contract yet and we just might want to get the over with, especially with the lot of ridiculously idiotic rumors that are pouring from every orifice of the internet. Just a little food for thought. Feast, Deano, feast.

3. J.J.
Jack Johnson, or J.M.F.J*, has not been signed to a long term deal. This would be most beneficial because he is our Kopi on the blue line. When all else fails, they are the light that give us hope.

*If Jack Johnson were a wrestler, I am confidant that this would be his stage name.

4. Sully
Patty O still isn't signed yet. This one I am least worried about, because he is a restricted free agent, so I just find it safe to assume that even if D.L. loses track of time, he couldn't get that bad. I probably just don't want to think about not having this one around, though. This is one of the few on the team that I have respect for more than anything. The way he just patiently waited until Crawford's schizophrenic lines surfaced him to the top line, then he proved to everyone that he deserved to be there.

4. That much closer to the cap requirements...

1. Erik Ersberg
I was extremely happy with this one. I like the fact that he is fast but also lucky. The dangerous thing is that this team has too much bad karma to depend on luck. I think that he was alright in his stretch of games. He wasn't amazing, but he was good enough. I would be comfortable with Babs starting and Iceberg right behind him.

2. Gabe Gautier
Looks like he just woke up in his profile picture.

3. Matt Moulson
I like this one. I am pretty excited to see what he brings to the team, but I wouldn't get into an argument to defend him.

4. Joe Piskula
Looks like he should be going to Berkley or something more drug-induced. I can picture him saying something along the lines of "No way, bra!" if he scores. He could have also probably been one of Bill and Ted's friends in Bill and Ted's Excellent/ Bogus Adventure. I think you get the picture.

5. Peter Harrold
This was the prospect that has a name like Thomas Hickey. Everyone had heard his name so much but couldn't really remember anything that he did. Yea, yea, yea...he deserves to be here. Boring!

5. The ones we used to know

1. Scott Thornton
By the beginning of the last game, everyone knew that Scotty would be retiring. It was a bitter sweet end to a great guy that we all knew was past his prime. This could get mushy so I'll stop it here.

2. John Klemm
It would be stupid of me if I said that it is sad to know that Klemm, or Klemmy as I am sure they called him, will not be with us next season. He didn't do anything that could really provide an argument for why he should stay, but there are things that I remember. I know that when he was the area rug in front of the net, he would take up quite a lot of space that limited where the shooter could take the puck. I guess there aren't memorable things so much as there was one memorable thing.

3. Brian Willsie
He didn't do anything and he looked like Willie Aames. Get outta here and have fun in stupid Colorado! Watch out for Smytty, he likes to stab people.

You can't see his face, but it looks like a younger and meaner version of this:

C'mon guys, it's Bible Man! Remember?

4. Kevin Dallman
I never found a reason to have this guy on the team. I actually remember frequently yelling "You're useless! Why are you on the team?!" I guess they heard me....

Well, that was the off season from a strictly opinion point of view on mostly the players and very little fact whatsoever. Hope you actually read it, it took me quite a while to write. *

*Also hope you realized that I like commas, and puns. Often times the use of them when they are inappropriate.